Prison just ain’t what it used to be.

Nowadays, there are consultants who guide the well-informed convict through the ins and outs of what to expect when they arrive at the Big House.

“Madoff, he’s not going to a camp, ever,” Larry Levine, founder of Wall Street Prison Consultants, told CNN. “His sentence is too long, so he becomes a flight risk. And then it gets into the severity of his crime. If you have more than 10 years, you can’t get a camp.”

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• Avoiding rape
  
  
• Prison slang
  
  
• Getting a soft-shoe permit (to give inmates a break from stiff prison boots)
  
  
• Flying "Con Air"
  
  
• How to survive a prison riot
  
  
• Dealing with gang members
  
  
• Inmate etiquette

And much, much, more!



About 200 investors have received legal requests to return money they withdrew from Madoff’s funds, including the Royal Bank of Scotland (RBS), Societe General (GLE), HSBC (HBC), and 2 hedge funds run by Banco Santander (STD).

Levine said he believes Madoff will “be treated like an outcast.”

However, this doesn’t mean Bernie will necessarily be in immediate danger at all times -- as long as he has enough mackerel to ward off any sticky situations in which he finds himself.

Sorry, what was that?

Last year, the Wall Street Journal reported that, since 2004, when federal prisons first banned cigarette smoking inside the walls, mackerel became the currency of choice among prisoners.

The Journal pointed out:

“Mackerel supplier Global Source Marketing Inc. says demand from prisons has grown since 2004. In recent years, demand has switched from cans -- which wardens don’t like because inmates can turn them into makeshift knives -- to plastic-and-foil pouches of mackerel fillets.”

Global Source sells about $1 million of mackerel to federal prison commissaries annually, outselling canned tuna, crab, chicken, and oysters.

The article quoted former prisoners as saying “the mack” is a “good stand-in for the greenback, because each can (or pouch) costs about $1 and few -- other than weight-lifters craving protein -- want to eat it.”

Bernie, just so you know: A haircut will cost you 2 macks.